I admit to him that I know my opinions cannot always be right. I did ask if he didn’t want a relationship or if he just didn’t want one right now.
This is very difficult for me to say, especially since I think it’s a total lie, and I only say it because I’m secretly in love with him. “Oh, now,” he said immediately, “Who knows what I’ll want down the road.
Sometimes our conversation wanders and we get into heated debates, like whether Jesus would ever support a war. He said he cares about my feelings and is worried about fostering feelings in me that he doesn’t reciprocate. Wonder sometimes if that’s as good as my love life will get. Jade took our pics and then transformed them into me and @shayydee5 visiting the 7 wonders of the world.
When his tone gets testy I soothe him and we change subjects. He said he didn’t think that was fair to me, and if he didn’t care about me and my feelings so much he wouldn’t have such a hard time with that.
When he sings along, I press my ear against his back. So if you know me you know I’m a huge fan of Shayy Dee.
His voice gets deep and the bass in his torso somehow tickles and I smile. He told me that’s why he didn’t want to have sex with me so often. Well I got to meet the kween herself a couple weeks ago!
How ironic that he probably thinks that is the real me, being sane and logical, and that my back hair rant was out of love for him. Also, I don’t really like Merle Haggard’s music that much and I don’t find his life particularly interesting. I did tell him, “If you forgive me for being a weird liberal commie pinko hippie, I’ll forgive you for being a redneck.” “Done,” he smiled. It could happen soon, it could be awhile, I don’t know. Grand Canyon = greatest spiritual experience of my life. My real best friends are still there for me, still love me.
I just know I don’t want that right now.” Hell, I can live with that. By February I took my first road trip to Nashville and had my first experience with infidelity. Another week in Cali, and upon my return my friendship with Ken dies. I miss Amanda, Beth, Michael, and Matt, and I wish yall were closer.
I’m straddling him as he lies on his stomach, propping his chin on his folded arms while we watch a documentary on Merle Haggard. I still have gifts for friends that I never mailed. BUT we ran into a lodge member while searching for a cache at the Betheden Masonic Lodge and he gave us a tour of this very old building.
He is happily obliging my request to rub his back, and I’m kissing it between practicing my amateur massage techniques and scraping my nails across it to the beat of whatever Merle’s singing. My great-grandfather and my grandfather were Lodge Masters here.
(Of course, he insisted on paying and I wound up just leaving the tip. I will talk about the filthiest parts of my sex life, I’ll rant and go off about things that piss me off, I’ll cuss like a sailor and show you all my flaws, put them right out there. (Unless you read my blog, Manna, which is cool with me.) Few of you will ever meet him. Things about his childhood, about his family, about what makes him sad… I liked looking back at this one.] Everyone is talking about the end of the decade, and I’d like to join in… I can’t rehash this decade, you know I can’t be brief.
He’s such a Southern gentleman.) While we ate, we talked about the things that have been weighing on him lately. And I just don’t want to betray it by sharing it with anyone else. I just wanted to tell y’all that I definitely love this creature, this beautiful man.
And if he never loves me back in that “special” way, I know he loves me the way a true friend should, the way you ladies do, and I believe we’ll be friends for life. And despite the failure of my marriage and career, my first bout with adult acne, despite being separated from most of my friends and relegated to small town hell for the next decade…